Why do I resist doing an Anger Management Programmes?

Why do I resist doing an Anger Management Programme even though I know its healthy for me and my family?

A friend posted an interesting Facebook up-date today. It went something like this:

'Somehow we lost 9 pairs of gloves at school last term which resulted in an almighty tantrum on my part on school property. My one New Year Resolution was not to erupt when we lost another. 6 days back and both boys have lost a pair !! I'm doing Vesuvius internally which isn't a good look! Tips please ? Surely a pair on a ribbon going through the coat is no longer age appropriate!!! Grrrrrrrr &@£!'

She's a dear friend and she's crying out for help. She erupting like a volcano but holding it all in. She thinks that if she finds a fool-proof way to keep the gloves save, her anger will disappear in a puff of smoke. But she's wrong. As I wrote in reply, 'It has nothing to with the gloves but everything to do with your anger.' Let's just wait to see how she responds. Having known her for 20 years, I expect she'll initially be confused... “I haven't got anger issues, I'm just mad that I've lost ten pairs of gloves, that's all!”

The reason she's exploding like a volcano isn't about the gloves, its about something that either happened weeks, days or hours ago. Its the throw-away comment her husband said weeks ago that's been chipping at her ever since. Its the tut her boss made when she was late, not caring to ask why she was, following a morning from hell. Its that thing which she hates in other people, which her parents told her not to do, but which she always wanted to do. It's a hundred and one things, other than the gloves, which is making her see red.

This illustrates perfectly the opening question, 'Why do I resist doing an Anger Management Programme even though I know its healthy for me and my family?'

Not only has she made a spectacle of herself at school by having a tantrum, but she has also embarrassed her kids, who have just watched their mum have a 'botty-drop' at school in front of all their friends and teachers.

The Kids always Suffer!

Come on, lets be honest. How often have we snapped at our kids, or even given them a sharp slap, out of frustration at ourselves, rather than anything they've done. I've done it... I've taken out my anger on my kids because they were the easy targets, who won't answer back. The kids will always suffer. Our anger has a direct consequence on everyone around us. Just because my friend held her anger in doesn't mean her family doesn't know she's seething.

Here are Six Styles of Anger: See if you can recognise any in yourself?

Intimidator.

Looks can kill, aggressive stance, shouting, eyeballing, body posturing.

Interrogator.

A machine-gun spray of questions, “Why are you late? Where have you been? Who do you think your are?

Poor Me.

Victim (the whiner), usually passive aggressive (anger expressed sideways).

Distancer.

Walks away and intellectualises everything, very rational, also very passive aggressive.

Winder Upper.

Gets others to express their anger by 'taking the mickey', when challenged they say 'I'm only joking, don't take it so seriously!'

Blunderbuss.

Curses the telephone/computer, slams the receiver down, bangs doors, throws luggage: cusses and swear under the breathe; everyone knows they are in a foul mood but they refuse to admit they're angry.

I personally exhibit all six styles of anger, and I expect many people do too. Certainly my friend showed elements of 'Blunderbuss' and 'Poor Me', in her anger over losing the tenth pair of gloves.

So, I refer you back to the opening question, Why do I resist doing an Anger Management Programme even though I know its healthy for me and my family?

Is it because you don't think you have an anger issue? Is it because you are embarrassed by your anger issue? Or is it something else? Are you scared what you'll find, if you look deep into yourself and find the reason why you are getting anger in the first place?

Either way, you owe it to yourself and your family to register yourself on an Anger Management Programme, because in the long run, it's the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your family.

What to do next?

Mike Fisher from the British Association of Anger Management (BAAM), runs Anger Management Programmes through-out the UK and welcomes you to check out his websites at www.stressexperts.co.uk, www.angerguru.com and www.beatinganger.com. Anger effects every single one of us, whether we like to admit it or not. Our families are effected by our anger whether we like to admit it or not. So why aren't you picking up the phone now and dialling 0345 1300 286. There is no time like the present. Sort your anger out, and make everyone happy!

Anger and New Beginnings.

Are you an angry man?

Christmas is a fading memory and the New Year fizz went pop weeks ago. Now what?

Are we everything we want to be? Are we sticking to our New Year's resolutions and ultimately, are we happy?

2014 is a new opportunity to learn more about ourselves. A new opportunity to learn what makes us tick and how we think, because how we think about ourselves has consequences for everyone around us.

As the title alludes, anger is an emotion we are all familiar with. But why we are angry? That's the question we should be asking. Why is it that on some days the kids can come home and dump their coats and bags on the floor and you pick them up with patience and a smile, while other days when their coats and bags are dumped on the floor, an almighty roar escapes you and you see red. Is it simply the fact they dropped their stuff unceremoniously, or is it something else?

Its usually something else! Trust me...

Just like I trust Mike Fisher from the British Association of Anger Management (BAAM), who taught me to understand why I get angry. By understanding that one simple aspect of what makes me tick, has opened up a whole treasure trove of understanding.

I'm angry because I had a shameful childhood, which I kept suppressed from loved ones, friends and ultimately myself. I dealt with it then by believing in the fantasy of my own making.

“My mum was committed to a mental institution because she was a genius, born before her time!”

Other people at Mike Fisher's weekend course spoke of over-bearing parents who never gave encouragement. Other's spoke of being degraded and made to feel inferior, while others spoke of cruel neglect and outright abuse.

The point I'm making is that we all had childhoods which has left us feeling ashamed. Though the beauty of it, was that none of us realised it! This explains why some days we can pick up after our kids with a smile, while on others we snap and holler. It isn't that they drop their stuff, its because when we see them dump their stuff, it takes us back to a time when we were snapped and hollered at for dropping our stuff.

Of-course this is just skimming over the surface and a BAAM anger management weekend course will go into more detail, than can ever be written here.

For me personally, I've been able to understand my anger in ways I never thought possible. I'm OK in talking about my childhood, in which my mother had a nervous breakdown when I was 6 years old. One in four people suffer from mental illnesses, so it isn't rare that children would be effected too.

Since attending Mike Fisher's (BAAM) weekend workshop, I've come to see my anger in a new light and appreciate it for what it is- namely a highly charged emotion, of which I am now in charge of. When I feel the red mist building, I blow it away by thinking of the bigger picture. Does it matter in five minutes whether the kids clean up their stuff from the kitchen floor? Does it matter that the kitchen bin hasn't been taken out yet? Does it matter that my partner has forgotten to do that important something, I asked her to do. Sometimes it does matter but more often than not, it doesn't.

Stop, think, take a look at the BIG picture.

We each took away our own bits from a BAAM weekend workshop that resonated with us. Some took away the lesson of Shadow Self, about reacting to aspects of others, which we suppress in ourselves. Others took away the lesson of how to replenish our own needs, without replying on others to replenish our needs. Others took away the lesson of Flow Process, the Detour Method and the Clearing process.

We each took away what we needed to help us control our own anger. Though what we all took away, is the knowledge that we've learnt more about ourselves, than when we first sat in a group and told each other how we felt.

Is it time you went on an Anger Management course?

Mike Fisher and BAAM offer weekend workshops through-out the UK, all through the year. If you have an anger problem, like millions of others, and find it's having a detrimental effect on the people around you, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to do something about it.

Your first step can be to check out BAAM's websites at www.beatinganger.com & www.stressexperts.co.uk where you will get more information about BAAM services. Alternatively you can give Mike Fisher and his team a call right now. No time like the present. Them a call on 0345 1300 286 and see what BAAM can do for you.

What will you learn about myself in 2014?

ALL ABOUT MATT TAYLOR 2013 REVIEW.

It's been a great year for me. I've been fortunate enough to be a copywriter for the British Association of Anger Management, which has given me the opportunity to contribute to other blogs such as Guerrilla Democracy News, SOS Party and Shadow Sussex Police and Crime Commissioners, to name but a few.

With a regular readership of 6,000 a week, I sincerely hope the numbers will increase during 2014.

TOP FIVE STORIES OF 2013

click on the headings for each article to open in a new window

WHO THE FUCK IS CHRIS SPIVEY?

The critically acclaimed article. If you haven’t heard of Christopher D Spivey, well I don’t blame you. He’s the up and coming voice of the alternative media.

THE STENCH OF PERVERSION IS BECOMING UNBEARABLE

Ever since the nation's favourite uncle was outed as a dirty, dirty, dirty old pervert, the stench of perversion has been getting worse and worse. Its now got so bad I can hardly breathe.

LETTER TO THE QUEEN ABOUT A ROYAL PARDON

Dear Ma'am, I am interested in running in the November 2012 election for the Police and Crime Commissioner for Sussex.

LETTER TO THE PRIME MINISTER DAVID CAMERON

Dear Prime Minister, While watching the television programme called One Step Beyond, on Edge Media TV, on Tuesday 6th December 2011, an Oxford economist and investigative journalist, called Martin Summers, made an amazing accusation concerning yourself.

STOP PAYING THE BBC TV LICENCE

Following the Jimmy Savile scandal and the fact that he partook in paedophilia activities within the BBC organization and did so, earning a wage, benefiting from the silent consent and under the umbrella of it's executives, I have been left with no other alternative but to stop paying my TV licence.

Who the fuck in Chris Spivey?

Perverts in Parliament

A Royal Pardon? Fat Chance!

A letter to DC about a very serious matter indeed

STOP PAYING THE BBC TV LICENCE

MAY I WISH EVERYONE THE BEST OF LUCK FOR 2014. WE'RE GOING TO NEED IT!

GUERRILLA DEMOCRACY NEWS 2013 REVIEW.

GUERRILLA DEMOCRACY NEWS 2013 REVIEW.: A 30,000 readership built up over 6 months It's been a great year for Guerrilla Democracy News. Launched in June, with a blast of pu...

Six Months On.

It’s been six months since I went on Mike Fisher's British Association of Anger Management (BAAM) course. Six months since I sat in a room with six strangers and revealed proudly to the world, I get angry and I'm here to do something about it.

I remember it well. 

Mike Fisher has been running weekend workshops for over 17 years and has averaged out to have helped a 1000 people deal with their anger, for every year doing it.

I love Will Storr's description of anger, which he wrote for the Observer newspaper having been on Mike's weekend course in 2007.

“I can feel my rage. It collects in the centre of my throat. It's like I've swallowed a cannonball and it makes me want to scream. I am brimful of anger, and when it sloshes out, it does so in the only direction it's allowed to - at inanimate objects. I shout at keys I can't find, at carrots I drop on the kitchen floor, at doors I stub my toe on. Last week I called a spilled glass of elderflower cordial a cunt.”

There are six ways we express our anger; intimidation, interrogation, poor me, distancing, winding up and blunder bussing. I'm a bit of everything when I get angry. I'm a big man who looks scary in an aggressive, 'I can kill you' stance. I'm good at machine-gun spraying questions, while being a victim the next moment. I often walk away from situations having dropped an anger grenade in the room, leaving its victims to clear up the emotional mess.

For many people Christmas can be the most stressful time of year. So, BAAM decided to give away a PDF of Surviving Christmas filled with useful thoughts and tips to help you along the way.

When I'm angry at seeing my shadow face to face, I often take the mickey, and shake off my cruel remarks as a joke, and tell the recipient not to take it seriously. Though last but not least, my anger is best released as blunderbuss. 'He's like a bear with a sore head,' my partner would say politely, while in private, complain I have tantrums like a 3-year-old, cursing, slamming, banging, cussing and swearing about the house.

What's wrong with Shouting?

As a kid I used to shout when my sister stole my bike or broke my toys. It was what I did to vent my fury at having a horrible sibling. My mum never checked me for it, except to say to the people at the receiving end, “Let it go through one ear and out of the other and ignore him!”

I was brought up to think shouting was an acceptable way to express anger and I carried it onto adulthood, as any child would. 30 years later, with kids, a partner and pets, I've come to realise it isn't.

My partner hates me shouting, but I justify doing it, by blaming her for making me angry by telling me to stop shouting in the first place. It’s a catch 22 situation. I've been shouting all my life to express my anger and now I have to stop? How do you break a habit of a lifetime? Though my partner would say I'm missing the point. The big question remains, why am I angry?

Over to Mike Fisher.

“Anger is the symptom and shame is the cause. Everyone here suffers from what I call "toxic shame". Shamers feel like they have been somehow cursed, that they're not like other people. They think, "I am flawed and defective as a human being", and, 'If you really knew me, you wouldn't like me."'

As Will Storr wrote from his own experience, “I'm concentrating all my efforts on trying not to cry,” as I can testify at having grown men either side of me break down in tears during a Mike Fisher weekend workshop. I was close to tears myself.

“We avoid facing our own shame,” Mike continues, “by using such behaviours as perfectionism; control; resentment; criticism and blame; moralising; self-contempt and contempt for others; patronising; envy; indifference. Each of these behaviours focuses on another person and takes the heat off us. You need to practise what I call "radical authenticity". You need to accept that the authentic self is often not very nice. But by accepting your shadow-self you're accepting your humanity.

The Jungian concept of 'Shadow-Selves'. 

“Have you ever had the sensation of a stranger walking into a room and feeling suddenly gripped by absurd levels of hatred?” says Mike Fisher, “this is what happens when we encounter a person who is exhibiting one of our 'shadows', those qualities we possess but which we repress or deny in ourselves. Do you hate arrogant people? Greedy people? Or is your bête-noire the obnoxious, ungrateful or slutty? Well, welcome to yourself. You may have been taught, since before you can remember, that 'showy' people are bad. In response, you've spent your life deliberately avoiding designer labels or boasting about your holidays. Then in stroll Flash-boy Godwin, all bespoke cuff links and diving safaris in Micronesia. And everyone aahs and coos. How comes he's allowed to do that and you're not?”

I've come to realise that while I get angry at being told to keep quiet by my partner, I tell her to do the same when she's trying to express her feelings to me. We each have our own emotional needs which need replenishing. We get angry at our own behaviour.

It’s ironic really, but super liberating all the same. Once you understand the mechanics of anger, you control the anger. Or as Will Storr puts it better than I, “Mike Fisher's course is part theory, part a process of unpacking his pupils; taking their rage to pieces and seeing what its motors look like. If there's one single goal of the intensive three-day course, it appears to revolve around teaching us how to understand and then accept ourselves in all our fallible glory.

We need to learn how to decode the language of our emotions, to be wise about hunting down their causes and bold about stating them. If we know what we're feeling and why we're feeling it and are unafraid to tell the rest of the world, we'll suddenly find we're in command of ourselves. It takes away some of the terror of being human.”

Make no mistake about it, people who have been hurled into the very troughs of despair by their explosive rage.

Reading Will Storr's article brought tears to my eyes, because it spoke of an incident in his childhood with has left a lasting impression into adulthood.

'We were in the car, on holiday, looking for a bike rental shop. My dad was angry because we couldn't find it. He was saying, "Somebody help me." I saw a road we hadn't been up, a narrow one on a steep hill. He tried it and scratched the paintwork on the door. Then he started shouting - saying it was my fault. My mum told me to apologise, which I did. Then, later that day, she called me downstairs, from where I'd been hiding in my room. I thought she was going to say sorry to me, because it obviously wasn't my mistake. But she scolded me some more and made me go out to Dad and apologise again. I just felt totally unsupported. Totally alone.'

And this is the crux of Mike's anger management course. He takes you to places you might otherwise would not have known about.

For example, I never realised that the shame of my mother being certified insane and committed to a mental asylum for 6 months, when I was 6 years old, had left such a lasting impression on me! But alas it has. Its left me an angry man and ashamed of my childhood. As Will Storr reminds us, “We must learn to accept ourselves in all our fallible glory”.

Mike Fisher would say at least twice during the course, 'Listening to you makes me very sad,' with a noticeable twinkle in his tear-shot eyes, followed up with, 'Let's see how the weekend unfolds,' if the person he is saying it to becomes defensive. Mike would smile dreamily and assure us, 'You've got to trust the process.'

The benefit of Mike Fisher's hard-won wisdom.

So, six months on, where am I? Well, I'm still here and I'm happy and not angry at all. When I do get angry, which I still do, I look at the bigger picture and think how it’s going to affect me in 5 minutes. If it isn't going to matter, I let it go and don't take it personally.

Now I just wish my partner would go on a BAAM course too!

If you are having anger issues like I am, why not get in touch with BAAM. Mike's team are on call to book you on the next available three-day course, taking place throughout the UK.

Call BAAM on 0345 1300 286 or check out their website www.beatinganger.com, or emailinfo@beatinganger.com

In fact, its National Anger Awareness Month 2013, from 1st - 31st December 2013, so there is no time better to do it than now.

National Anger Awareness Month is all about learning to take control of your behaviour. 

Everyone feels angry at some time; what matters is how you express that anger.

Keep Your Cool Over Yule.

As part of Anger Awareness Month (December 2013), BAAM are giving away an updated Keep Your Cool Over Yule, a PDF with ways you can keep your Christmas as stress free as possible.

Click here to download a Keep Your Cool Over Yule Kit.

A-Z of Surviving Christmas.

Click here to download the A2Z of Surviving Christmas booklet for free.

That's about it from me; except to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

And before I forget, please read Will Storr's excellent article about Mike Fisher's weekend workshop course by clicking on the link. It brought tears to my eyes!

Christmas is coming...

This blog is better viewed at- http://www.beatinganger.com/blog/christmas-dont-get-your-tinsel-in-a-tangle

What to do and not to do over Xmas.

Christmas is coming and the most stressful time of the year is drawing near. So much to do. The tree is top priority, followed closely by presents, food, drink and good-cheer in equal measure.

Christmas is the most stressful time of the year. More than half of us have family disagreements and a quarter of us say our relationships with our partners come under immense pressure.

We have never been under so much pressure to deliver a perfect Christmas. We're lured into thinking Christmas is perfect by the glossy TV Christmas adverts, with celebrities smiling as they huddle around the Christmas tree exchanging gifts, beautifully wrapped. Everyone must be happy and cheerful through the season of goodwill. No one is allowed to be sad or depressed. NO ONE MUST GET ANGRY!

Here's what to do and not to do over Xmas.

Prepare, prepare, prepare!

Its the only way you'll give yourself the time to relax and enjoy the day. Don't give yourself a hard time making everything perfect. Stop and look at the bigger picture, its just one day! Think about the incidents, which press your buttons in all the wrong ways. Our buttons are unique to all of us and what makes one person angry is completely different to the next. Figure out a strategy of how you are going to deal with those circumstances, whether it’s a brother-in-law, mother-in-law or wife.

Think about the Bigger Picture!

Christmas is the one day that getting angry isn't worth the long term consequences. You are never as good as your last Christmas and a bad Christmas takes exactly a year to get over. We know Christmas means a lot of work and can be really stressful. Make this Christmas very different to any previous, by letting go of the anger and thinking about the bigger picture. Is it really worth destroying the family's Christmas over a burnt Brussels sprout?

Delegate, delegate, delegate!

Share the responsibility of the day and delegate to your heart's content. Do as much as you can in advance, to give yourself the time to relax and put your feet up on the day. Christmas is a team effort and there are jobs for every member of the family.

Don't drink too much!

This is the biggest trip-up people make on Christmas Day and a big 'What not to do'. Alcohol is the culprit of many arguments and clouds your common scene of the situation. Being drunk lowers your defence and alters your mood, often for the worst. Learn to break the reoccurring conversations or topics, which just wind you up. Take action and change the subject as soon as you can. If that doesn't work get yourself out of the situation and if that doesn't work, find yourself a quiet place, the toilet often works, or go for a walk to think about the bigger picture.

Accept the inevitable!

Christmas doesn't have to be perfect. There will be a mess, someone will say something that annoys you, the kids will get rowdy and you will get a pair of socks from Aunt Betty. Look to the positives of the day, seeing family and friends, creating lasting memories, presents and a delicious meal. It’s time to enjoy the day for it’s Christmas spirit and not to focus on one or two things that could make you angry.

Help the youngsters keep calm!

With Santa on his way, the kids can often go into overdrive with excitement. Busy kids means busy parents clearing up the havoc left behind them. Get enough rest before the day because you are going to need it. Tiredness makes everyone grumpy. If they get over excited, try 'time-out' to calm them down. The technique is used throughout the schools and is something the kids are used to. Keep the kids jolly and in the Christmas spirit with their favourite music and activities. Its a good idea to plan a few activities for them to do which can keep them occupied and out of your hair as you prepare, prepare, prepare.

Christmas is there to be shared and enjoyed. Make this Christmas very different to all the previous Christmases. Check out Mike Fisher and BAAM, for further information on how to Keep your Cool over Yule, www.stressexperts.co.uk, www.beatinganger.com and www.angermanage.co.uk.

May we at BAAM be the first to wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year...

Why We as Women Need to Ease Up On Men.

Originally posted on Daily Transformations.

This isn’t about the men that hurt on purpose, men that rape, or men that abandon their families. This is about the average Joe, the guy that loved his mama, tries his best and is still mystified by those of us that are female.

—-

I hear women question openly: What’s wrong with men? Why can’t they shoot straight? Why can’t they communicate?

We complain that men are shut down in one breath, and complain they’re too emotional in the next. 

The truth is, our men are striving for a balance in a world where the rules of masculinity keep changing.

I live in Boulder, Colorado, where a man is as likely to have a yoga mat in the back of his truck as his mountain bike. While yoga may open their hips and allow their minds to clear, there are still many guarded and wounded hearts in those classes. Both men and women have been wounded deeply. Men still struggle to make sense of women, while women experience men as closed off and shut down. The reality is, a man’s heart is as vulnerable as a woman’s, but the rules for men are laid out differently from the very beginning.

Here’s a great example of the difference:

While walking my dog, I met a boy in his young teens on a skateboard. His eyes were clear as they met mine and we engaged in a friendly chat. He was open and unguarded until my dog approached, then sharing with me that he once had a dog that looked like mine and was forced to give her away. In that moment, his face clouded, his eyes dimmed and the pain he carried was noticeable. His body language changed and his friendliness ceased.

My mouth hung open as he walked away without saying goodbye, and I realized I had just witnessed a clue as to why many men seem shut down.

Like many women, men are wounded early. The difference? Men are often forced to “buck up” and stuff their emotions rather than express them. Think about it: peers usually ostracize a crying boy over the age of 7.

Often juggling his ever-changing role with mom, he naturally starts to bond with dad and old rules such as “buck up, boys don’t cry and get over it” from prior generations are passed on once again. As years go by, a young boy’s heart becomes more and more protected with each new wound, no real outlet for emotions available. On the other hand, a great many women, regardless of their dysfunctional childhood, grow up and find comfort through female friendships—it’s considered normal to cry and vent, express emotion, and fall apart if necessary.

Men aren’t naturally encouraged to release their pain and express hurt, so to survive, they add armor to their hearts and stand guarded against further pain.

While we find comfort in our female friendships, many men say their only source of physical comfort is sex. I often wonder: Do men reach across the bed for sex when sometimes they’re just seeking solace?

The women I know all agree that witnessing an empowered man opening his heart, despite his wounding, and putting it all out there in a vulnerable way–that is sexy. Sexy, but not easy. Most men have been shamed in the past for asking for what they want. They’ve been shamed for wanting sex, shamed for feeling attraction and shamed for their vulnerability. It’s an uneasy playing field out there, actually a mine field, when you think about it.

Take a woman previously wounded by an aggressive man and have her approached by a man openly asking for what he wants and she may run. Makes you realize that the next woman he approaches may experience him as a man that dances around what he really wants–now afraid to ask openly. What a conundrum eh? Women are wounded and afraid to trust. Men are wounded and afraid to open.

So what can we do?

• We, as women, can be patient when men talk with us, give them time and space to express themselves and understand that they don’t communicate like our female friends.
• Bantering with girlfriends and talking over one another is common behavior when we gather together, but a man’s sharing is a different process. Men don’t jump from subject to subject. It’s not that they don’t want to share with us, it’s that often when they try to, we jump in and interrupt the flow.
• We can count to 10 in our heads when they stop talking and give them a chance to speak again because 9 out of 10 times, they will.
• We can have patience.
• We can understand that a closed down reaction during a fight is most likely embarrassment and pain as our men realize they’ve disappointed us. We can take a step back and not take the lack of immediate communication as anger and instead, take a time out.
• Most importantly we can remember that our man is not going to be like our female friends. Changing men is not the goal. Even if we successfully changed them, chances are we wouldn’t be attracted to them anymore.
• By learning to decipher what appears to be shut down and angry behavior as deep wounding, we can find the patience needed to speak a different language with the men we love. Treating our men as we do our female friends is like walking into a French pastry shop, ordering something in Cantonese, and getting angry when we’re not understood. It may require a different language to show our love.