Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Why do I resist doing an Anger Management Programmes?

Why do I resist doing an Anger Management Programme even though I know its healthy for me and my family?

A friend posted an interesting Facebook up-date today. It went something like this:

'Somehow we lost 9 pairs of gloves at school last term which resulted in an almighty tantrum on my part on school property. My one New Year Resolution was not to erupt when we lost another. 6 days back and both boys have lost a pair !! I'm doing Vesuvius internally which isn't a good look! Tips please ? Surely a pair on a ribbon going through the coat is no longer age appropriate!!! Grrrrrrrr &@£!'

She's a dear friend and she's crying out for help. She erupting like a volcano but holding it all in. She thinks that if she finds a fool-proof way to keep the gloves save, her anger will disappear in a puff of smoke. But she's wrong. As I wrote in reply, 'It has nothing to with the gloves but everything to do with your anger.' Let's just wait to see how she responds. Having known her for 20 years, I expect she'll initially be confused... “I haven't got anger issues, I'm just mad that I've lost ten pairs of gloves, that's all!”

The reason she's exploding like a volcano isn't about the gloves, its about something that either happened weeks, days or hours ago. Its the throw-away comment her husband said weeks ago that's been chipping at her ever since. Its the tut her boss made when she was late, not caring to ask why she was, following a morning from hell. Its that thing which she hates in other people, which her parents told her not to do, but which she always wanted to do. It's a hundred and one things, other than the gloves, which is making her see red.

This illustrates perfectly the opening question, 'Why do I resist doing an Anger Management Programme even though I know its healthy for me and my family?'

Not only has she made a spectacle of herself at school by having a tantrum, but she has also embarrassed her kids, who have just watched their mum have a 'botty-drop' at school in front of all their friends and teachers.

The Kids always Suffer!

Come on, lets be honest. How often have we snapped at our kids, or even given them a sharp slap, out of frustration at ourselves, rather than anything they've done. I've done it... I've taken out my anger on my kids because they were the easy targets, who won't answer back. The kids will always suffer. Our anger has a direct consequence on everyone around us. Just because my friend held her anger in doesn't mean her family doesn't know she's seething.

Here are Six Styles of Anger: See if you can recognise any in yourself?

Looks can kill, aggressive stance, shouting, eyeballing, body posturing.

A machine-gun spray of questions, “Why are you late? Where have you been? Who do you think your are?

Poor Me.
Victim (the whiner), usually passive aggressive (anger expressed sideways).

Walks away and intellectualises everything, very rational, also very passive aggressive.

Winder Upper.
Gets others to express their anger by 'taking the mickey', when challenged they say 'I'm only joking, don't take it so seriously!'

Curses the telephone/computer, slams the receiver down, bangs doors, throws luggage: cusses and swear under the breathe; everyone knows they are in a foul mood but they refuse to admit they're angry.

I personally exhibit all six styles of anger, and I expect many people do too. Certainly my friend showed elements of 'Blunderbuss' and 'Poor Me', in her anger over losing the tenth pair of gloves.

So, I refer you back to the opening question, Why do I resist doing an Anger Management Programme even though I know its healthy for me and my family?

Is it because you don't think you have an anger issue? Is it because you are embarrassed by your anger issue? Or is it something else? Are you scared what you'll find, if you look deep into yourself and find the reason why you are getting anger in the first place?

Either way, you owe it to yourself and your family to register yourself on an Anger Management Programme, because in the long run, it's the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your family.

What to do next?

Mike Fisher from the British Association of Anger Management (BAAM), runs Anger Management Programmes through-out the UK and welcomes you to check out his websites at, and Anger effects every single one of us, whether we like to admit it or not. Our families are effected by our anger whether we like to admit it or not. So why aren't you picking up the phone now and dialling 0345 1300 286. There is no time like the present. Sort your anger out, and make everyone happy!

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Anger and New Beginnings.

Are you an angry man?
Christmas is a fading memory and the New Year fizz went pop weeks ago. Now what?

Are we everything we want to be? Are we sticking to our New Year's resolutions and ultimately, are we happy?

2014 is a new opportunity to learn more about ourselves. A new opportunity to learn what makes us tick and how we think, because how we think about ourselves has consequences for everyone around us.

As the title alludes, anger is an emotion we are all familiar with. But why we are angry? That's the question we should be asking. Why is it that on some days the kids can come home and dump their coats and bags on the floor and you pick them up with patience and a smile, while other days when their coats and bags are dumped on the floor, an almighty roar escapes you and you see red. Is it simply the fact they dropped their stuff unceremoniously, or is it something else?

Its usually something else! Trust me...

Just like I trust Mike Fisher from the British Association of Anger Management (BAAM), who taught me to understand why I get angry. By understanding that one simple aspect of what makes me tick, has opened up a whole treasure trove of understanding.

I'm angry because I had a shameful childhood, which I kept suppressed from loved ones, friends and ultimately myself. I dealt with it then by believing in the fantasy of my own making.

My mum was committed to a mental institution because she was a genius, born before her time!”

Other people at Mike Fisher's weekend course spoke of over-bearing parents who never gave encouragement. Other's spoke of being degraded and made to feel inferior, while others spoke of cruel neglect and outright abuse.

The point I'm making is that we all had childhoods which has left us feeling ashamed. Though the beauty of it, was that none of us realised it! This explains why some days we can pick up after our kids with a smile, while on others we snap and holler. It isn't that they drop their stuff, its because when we see them dump their stuff, it takes us back to a time when we were snapped and hollered at for dropping our stuff.

Of-course this is just skimming over the surface and a BAAM anger management weekend course will go into more detail, than can ever be written here.

For me personally, I've been able to understand my anger in ways I never thought possible. I'm OK in talking about my childhood, in which my mother had a nervous breakdown when I was 6 years old. One in four people suffer from mental illnesses, so it isn't rare that children would be effected too.

Since attending Mike Fisher's (BAAM) weekend workshop, I've come to see my anger in a new light and appreciate it for what it is- namely a highly charged emotion, of which I am now in charge of. When I feel the red mist building, I blow it away by thinking of the bigger picture. Does it matter in five minutes whether the kids clean up their stuff from the kitchen floor? Does it matter that the kitchen bin hasn't been taken out yet? Does it matter that my partner has forgotten to do that important something, I asked her to do. Sometimes it does matter but more often than not, it doesn't.

Stop, think, take a look at the BIG picture.

We each took away our own bits from a BAAM weekend workshop that resonated with us. Some took away the lesson of Shadow Self, about reacting to aspects of others, which we suppress in ourselves. Others took away the lesson of how to replenish our own needs, without replying on others to replenish our needs. Others took away the lesson of Flow Process, the Detour Method and the Clearing process.

We each took away what we needed to help us control our own anger. Though what we all took away, is the knowledge that we've learnt more about ourselves, than when we first sat in a group and told each other how we felt.

Is it time you went on an Anger Management course?

Mike Fisher and BAAM offer weekend workshops through-out the UK, all through the year. If you have an anger problem, like millions of others, and find it's having a detrimental effect on the people around you, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to do something about it.

Your first step can be to check out BAAM's websites at & where you will get more information about BAAM services. Alternatively you can give Mike Fisher and his team a call right now. No time like the present. Them a call on 0345 1300 286 and see what BAAM can do for you.

What will you learn about myself in 2014?