Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Why do I resist doing an Anger Management Programmes?


Why do I resist doing an Anger Management Programme even though I know its healthy for me and my family?

A friend posted an interesting Facebook up-date today. It went something like this:

'Somehow we lost 9 pairs of gloves at school last term which resulted in an almighty tantrum on my part on school property. My one New Year Resolution was not to erupt when we lost another. 6 days back and both boys have lost a pair !! I'm doing Vesuvius internally which isn't a good look! Tips please ? Surely a pair on a ribbon going through the coat is no longer age appropriate!!! Grrrrrrrr &@£!'

She's a dear friend and she's crying out for help. She erupting like a volcano but holding it all in. She thinks that if she finds a fool-proof way to keep the gloves save, her anger will disappear in a puff of smoke. But she's wrong. As I wrote in reply, 'It has nothing to with the gloves but everything to do with your anger.' Let's just wait to see how she responds. Having known her for 20 years, I expect she'll initially be confused... “I haven't got anger issues, I'm just mad that I've lost ten pairs of gloves, that's all!”

The reason she's exploding like a volcano isn't about the gloves, its about something that either happened weeks, days or hours ago. Its the throw-away comment her husband said weeks ago that's been chipping at her ever since. Its the tut her boss made when she was late, not caring to ask why she was, following a morning from hell. Its that thing which she hates in other people, which her parents told her not to do, but which she always wanted to do. It's a hundred and one things, other than the gloves, which is making her see red.

This illustrates perfectly the opening question, 'Why do I resist doing an Anger Management Programme even though I know its healthy for me and my family?'

Not only has she made a spectacle of herself at school by having a tantrum, but she has also embarrassed her kids, who have just watched their mum have a 'botty-drop' at school in front of all their friends and teachers.

The Kids always Suffer!

Come on, lets be honest. How often have we snapped at our kids, or even given them a sharp slap, out of frustration at ourselves, rather than anything they've done. I've done it... I've taken out my anger on my kids because they were the easy targets, who won't answer back. The kids will always suffer. Our anger has a direct consequence on everyone around us. Just because my friend held her anger in doesn't mean her family doesn't know she's seething.

Here are Six Styles of Anger: See if you can recognise any in yourself?

Intimidator.
Looks can kill, aggressive stance, shouting, eyeballing, body posturing.

Interrogator.
A machine-gun spray of questions, “Why are you late? Where have you been? Who do you think your are?

Poor Me.
Victim (the whiner), usually passive aggressive (anger expressed sideways).

Distancer.
Walks away and intellectualises everything, very rational, also very passive aggressive.

Winder Upper.
Gets others to express their anger by 'taking the mickey', when challenged they say 'I'm only joking, don't take it so seriously!'

Blunderbuss.
Curses the telephone/computer, slams the receiver down, bangs doors, throws luggage: cusses and swear under the breathe; everyone knows they are in a foul mood but they refuse to admit they're angry.

I personally exhibit all six styles of anger, and I expect many people do too. Certainly my friend showed elements of 'Blunderbuss' and 'Poor Me', in her anger over losing the tenth pair of gloves.

So, I refer you back to the opening question, Why do I resist doing an Anger Management Programme even though I know its healthy for me and my family?

Is it because you don't think you have an anger issue? Is it because you are embarrassed by your anger issue? Or is it something else? Are you scared what you'll find, if you look deep into yourself and find the reason why you are getting anger in the first place?

Either way, you owe it to yourself and your family to register yourself on an Anger Management Programme, because in the long run, it's the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your family.

What to do next?

Mike Fisher from the British Association of Anger Management (BAAM), runs Anger Management Programmes through-out the UK and welcomes you to check out his websites at www.stressexperts.co.uk, www.angerguru.com and www.beatinganger.com. Anger effects every single one of us, whether we like to admit it or not. Our families are effected by our anger whether we like to admit it or not. So why aren't you picking up the phone now and dialling 0345 1300 286. There is no time like the present. Sort your anger out, and make everyone happy!

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